sushipanda

Why do some lucky fools get to see hot girls making out with each other on the subway, and I get to see some old dude clipping his fingernails?

A few months ago, my good friend who shall remain nameless (bless her heart) responded to an an online ad looking for female models. Even in this sordid day and age, there actually are people who are innocent about important aspects of our culture. And by “our,” I mean all the porn-loving pervs out there who rule the world:

Email No. 1 (the response to the ad):

Hi —-,

Please find attached photo appropriate.

Email No. 2 (their response):

Thanks for your response.

Can you tell me if you have done facials before? Would you be comfortable taking a facial from a western model?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Email No. 3 (where the hilarity begins):

you mean facial products right?

I have to ask my friend, I submitted her photo on her behalf.

Email No. 4 (where it all cums together):

Thanks for your email – I want to be clear on this. ‘Facial’ in this situation does not refer to the beauty treatment but the act of a man ejaculating on a womans face – please see the pic for an example. I am recruiting models for the adult entertainment industry. If this is something you are not interested in then please accept my apologies for the confusion. If you or any of your friends are interested then we pay excellent hourly rates of between RMB 4000 and 9000.

Hope to hear from you again,

Wow, 4000 RMB? Sign me up! And I have no knowledge of whether this very good friend of mine actually got her facial or not.

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• @jennwong good thing your favorite person to follow @sushipanda has such an easy name to remember. in reply to jennwong #
• @danwashburn I have one of those already, except it’s with a donkey ass on top of his body. I think it’s more apt, you want it? in reply to danwashburn #
• goodbye pleasant Shanghai weather, I hardly knew ye. You were the love of my life, why did you have to leave me you bitch! #
• Here’s birthday boy @danwashburn at hid celebratory Closed Door brunch today: http://twitpic.com/nv27x #

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Just finished watching the most recent episode of Mad Men last night. Betty and Don have the talk. And then…what the hell, that’s it? They go trick-or-treating? And how the hell does everyone drink so much and not get fat? Damn, I want to be back in the Sixties. Even though if I went back the way I am now, I’d be working in a laundry somewhere.

So in two days, Halloween is once again upon us. I’m attending an actual Halloween Party, of which there are ten thousand in Shanghai every year. But it’s special because I loathe Halloween parties, and I haven’t been to a proper one in a few years now. I actually only have two costumes, and frequently wear them at the same time: Super Mario, and drunken idiot. Here’s an example:

So this year I’m returning back to the Halloween stage, this time supposedly to be surrounded by hot, buxom Taiwanese nurses while I drink red wine out of an IV drip. Sounds wonderfully complicated, but putting this together falls completely out of the bounds of my enthusiasm. So, between now and Saturday night, I’m going to have to come up with something passably clever and impossibly easy to put together. And one that, despite their calls, does not require exposure of anything other than my big fat face.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Oh wait, no one reads this blog anyway, never mind.

• The iPhone would be perfect if it could make pizzas for me to eat late at night. #
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• Looking forward to BBQ tomorrow at the cougar den. Already have cupcakes ordered and ready to go. #
• @cscotty for someone who’s so bored, you sure could tweet more often! in reply to cscotty #
• @cmar55 i was in love with the popular girl that tries to buy his love in that movie. Now I know better: popular girls are lame. in reply to cmar55 #
• @cmar55 what’s DOOP? that sounds real tasty! in reply to cmar55 #
• upgrading to 3.1 on my 3GS — i’m always scared shitless when doing this #
• going bike shopping today. I’m sure once I buy it I’ll feel 20 pounds lighter already. I’m sure. #

• Jason Mraz sounds good to me right now. Must totally not be sober. #
• Mondavi, Cooper’s ale, cherry coke, stinky green, cool ranch doritos, and hoegaarden on a Friday night. Thank God no work tomorrow…oh wait #
• it’s moment like today’s #dodgers game that really make me miss being in the States. Nothing beats playoff baseball #
• Going to Hooters for one last National Holiday celebration. #
• Today feels like Sunday. I miss last Thursday. #
• @stickkeydude not bad, finally got some rest during the holiday! When you coming back? in reply to stickkeydude #
• @shanghailaine what the he’ll are you doing watching THAT? Bad holiday? in reply to shanghailaine #