sushipanda

Last Thursday I packed my bags and flew out to Lijiang in Yunnan province, where I’m currently writing this, to meet up with my folks and my uncle and his family. My uncle is my brother’s only sibling, and since they live in Guam I hardly get to see them; I hadn’t seen my little cousin Jean in over 12 years, so it was appropriate that I haul ass out to one of the most beautiful regions in China for some quality family time.

Lijiang truly is a beautiful city, famous for its traditional villages and distinctive culture of the ethnic Naxi minority. At over 4000m above sea level, the fresh air is a welcome reprieve from the oppressing heat and humidity of Shanghai. Unfortunately, it’s been raining non-stop since I’ve arrived here two nights ago, and the weather has rarely let up while we’ve been hitting the major tourist spots. Everything is still beautiful (see picture below), but trying to take pictures while rolling up your pant leg and keeping the umbrella still while turning your ass to fart at passing tourists can really be a royal pain in the arse.

Dreamlike shot of the Dayan Ancient Village during the rain

As much as I’d like to stay here and wade through all the puddles, it is imperative that I get back to Shanghai so I can go into the office on Monday and slack off. Problem is, there appears to be a monstrous typhoon wreaking havoc on Shanghai as I type this, with almost all domestic flights grounded at the two Shanghai airports. SUCKS! this means that tomorrow I’ll have wake up early, head to Lijiang airport so I can make the 45 minute flight into Kunming (the capital of Yunnan), and then proceed to sit there on my ass for an indefinite amount of time, whooting at girls passing by and re-reading “Tuesdays with Morrie” for the umpteenth time until it’s OK to fly back home. And I’m not mentioning Chinese pilots’ notorious inability to land in good weather, let alone crapstorms like Typhoon Matsa. (By the way, does anyone ever wonder who comes up with these names? How come we never get a ‘Hurricane Shaniqua’ or ‘Typhoon Dick’? Now that’s something that’s gonna keep me awake all night in my hotel room.)

Speaking of my hotel room, there has been a pleasant surprise waiting for me every afternoon when I get back from doing my important touristy things. I’ll write about Lijiang in more detail later, with both highlights and lowlights, but since I’m stuck here and don’t know when I’ll be back, I might as well show you THE HIGHLIGHT of the trip so far: petals in the toilet! Whoever came up with the idea of sprinkling petals into the bowl every day has been watching too much Eddie Murphy in “Coming to America.” What are they supposed to do, freshen up the shit? Make me want to stare at it a bit longer before I flush? What a crack-up, but I’ve gotta reward them an A for effort. Now if they could only figure out a way to put boobies down there…

What a great way to end your day and begin your shit!

Here’s what I had for dinner: eight grilled mini-pork buns, eight pieces of steamed cauliflower, some whole-grain rice, a cold can of Heineken, and a bowl of shit.

Fu Qi Fei Pian

A few weeks ago my co-worker came to my house and dropped a mysterious mixture of goo and ooze contained within a plastic bag onto my kitchen table.

“I bequeath this bag of fu qi fei pian onto you, my brother,” without actually using any of those words.

When I first opened up the bag, I couldn’t believe that people actually ate this stuff. It was basically an amalgam of pig ears, intestines, stomach, tendons, peanuts, parsley, ligaments, and peppers. And who the hell knows what else.

I tried it for the first time a few days later for breakfast. I had a bowl of the stuff and felt like I was at a trough eating everything that was not meant to be eaten; all the stuff from a pig that butcher discards without a moment’s thought of its intrinsic value. I had to go to the bathroom 10 times that day. I went home and tried to dump the rest of it away…but something about it grabbed a hold of me. It wasn’t the scent, and it damn well wasn’t the sight. It was something more powerful, magical. To this day, I bow to the glory of it.

And tonight, I stopped off a bought half a kilogram. And I ate it. And it was wonderful. And soon I’m going to go to the bathroom. And after that, I’ll go again.

And tomorrow, I’ll go buy some more.