My Priorities Are Not in the Right Place

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My gray Cal beanie fell out of my pocket while I was riding my bike to work on Monday morning. This was upsetting because I had pined for it for most of last winter, and then a few months ago was surprised to find it in a box of old stuff at my parents’ place in Vegas. From that point on, aside from using it to wipe away snot in a few awkward situations involving serendipitous run-ins with pretty girls, I treasured it and kept it in my left jacket pocket at all times, where it would be closer to my heart. As many of you know, I have a head the size of one of Saturn’s more visible moons, and this was one beanie that did not incite riotous laughter whenever people encountered me with it.

I ended up staring at my computer all morning , despondent as hell, and decided that losing such a precious thing was cause enough to not do any work for the entire day. I thought about my beanie, and how it was probably sitting in some gutter somewhere, covered in acid rainwater and tire tracks and Shanghainese phlegm. And then a vision came to me: in my head, I see one of those really old and bald rubbery Chinese men who make a living by transporting huge second-hand refrigerators from one end of town to the other on bicycle. In this vision, he happens to be feeling painfully cold and wet. Suddenly, he comes across my gray Cal beanie alone on the sidewalk. The old man reaches down and picks it up, cradles it in his arms, and laughs joyously as he gently places it on his noggin and immediately feels warm on the outside and lucky on the inside. Then, smile and beanie in tow, he gets back on his bicycle and starts pedaling again, only this time each push from his feet wis somewhat less exhausting than before because, goddamn it, if this isn’t his day after all!

And then, I come into the frame, and I chase after him, drag him down from off his seat, and then bitch-slap him repeatedly until the beanie falls into my trembling, violent hands. Then I give him one good kick for good measure, and then unstrap the refrigerator and laugh as it slides onto the pavement.

Damn, I miss my beanie.

Throw Down

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On Thursday night I and apparently half of Shanghai squeezed into VIP to see Jin perform. The place was so crowded that we actually couldn’t get in at first; Kira had to leverage the lust that one of the VIP DJs had for her in order to sneak our group through the back door and past the suspicious security guards.

One thing about Jin: even though this guy has some serious MC talent, I think that we (descendants of Asia) would have gone out to see and support this guy even if he rapped like I imagine Michael Bolton would rap. It makes it all the more sweet that he knows how to work the crowd and ride off the great beats that he has. In no time at all, Mike and I were atop a side platform, idiotically waving our arms up and done in glee. It didn’t matter that people of all shapes and sizes were pushing up on us from all angles: this was our hip hop spokesman!

And then suddenly, the tide of shrieks escalated and the camera flashes started peppering the stage, and guess who sauntered down from the VIP deck above the platform to grab a mike and beat box with Jin? That’s right folks, it was Chinese pop superstar Wang Lee Hom (王力宏).


Jin and Wang Lee Hom lovin’ on Chinese pussy people

Now, let me tell you a little about Lee Hom: if you read what the fans have to say about him, he pretty much qualifies as the closest thing to the perfect Chinese male. He excelled academically growing up in the States but followed his dreams and musical talent to achieve pop stardom in Taiwan and China. He knows how to play piano and violin and apparently writes a lot of his own music. Oh yeah, the ladies find him almost too good-looking (see the comments below). This is scientifically proven because, after we left VIP, Kira couldn’t stop talking about how much she wanted to fuck the guy, even though she has an affinity for only giving herself to Anglo-Saxons.


What does he have on me besides looks, fame, talent, fortune, and girls? Oh yeah, all those things. *sob*

The next day, while recounting my previous night’s experience with co-workers, I couldn’t find a way to say “that guy gets so much pussy” in Chinese, and I think they mistook my consternation for intense jealousy. They’re pretty much right, I am jealous up the ass because I’m not Lee Hom.

Which is basically why I’m using this great platform of a blog to reach out to all my readers across the lands to halt the vicious spread of Lee Hom love that I witnessed first hand at VIP as the breasts and asses of dozens of horny young superfans pressed against me in debicel-busting delight. Someone this perfect MUST have something dreadfully wrong with him, and it’s critical that an absolutely talentless and unloved schmuck like myself make the truth about him clear to the greater public. Therefore, here goes…

“Wang Lee Hom beats his mother. And his poop really really stinks.”

There. Your move, Lee Hom.

The Right History

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My folks blazed into town last Monday from their vacation in Hokkaido. My dad only stayed a week, as he had a series of meetings across Asia and, my feeling is, was looking to get away from my mom a bit. The 2nd night they were in town I biked back from work and met up with them for dinner around our neighborhood. Though Gubei is quite the mecca of dining in Shanghai, on this particular evening my dad was looking for something convenient and spicy, and so we settled upon a small Sichuan restaurant along the Hongmei Road Pedestrian Street. Though I looked longingly at the new Simply Thai and Blue Frog, I am a good filial son and acquiesced.

20 minutes after ordering, having snacked on nothing but neighboring patrons’ comments on the ineptitude of the waiting staff and the long waits for food, our first entree arrived: 毛血旺, or as Chace calls it, “disgusting blood shit.” I quickly dug in with my chopsticks, only to discover the very unpleasant surprise of a long strand of human hair in the oily broth. I proposed to my folks that, since it was not super late, that we cut our losses and head to another restaurant. Of course, this was all to be preceded by a good verbal spanking of the restaurant boss, as is custom here in Shanghai. I beckoned for the manager to come to our table, where I was prepared for a tongue-lashing from my mother. Instead, my dad gently told him: “老板 (boss), we can see that you’re extremely busy today and are having a tough time satisfying all your customers, which is probably how we ended up this hair in our dish. How about you just give us the bill for what we ate so far, and we’ll come back another time when you’re less busy?”

I was stunned. I couldn’t help but imagine what would happen if either Lucy or Pei Pei were there instead of this seasoned-politico of a man who had been a model example of class and courtesy. No doubt Pei Pei would have whipped out one of her patented, sarcastically dumbstruck stares and Lucy would have revealed her amazing ability to rap a string of hysterical insults at double time. At no time would I have thought to refrain from attack and simply let the man down with what amounted to, at least here in Shanghai, a verbal bear hug.

I first read excerpts from Francis Fukuyama’s book “The End of History and the Last Man” when I was a sophomore at Berkeley in a class entitled “Peace and Conflict Studies.” His was a complicated argument that history as defined by the clash of ideologies was no longer relevant with the end of the Cold War, and that liberal democracy was going to be the way to go in the future. At the time, he was also aligned with the neoconservative school that greatly informed the Bush administration’s invasion of Iraq. Since then, Fukuyama has publicly declared that he no longer sees himself as a neocon, and in this week’s New York Times Magazine he writes a very engaging account of the neoconservatives and Iraq, which he very much calls a mistake. In conversations with my friend Jamie, he often brings up his disdain for critics of the war and the way they express their arguments, and how the media glosses over the many good things that are happening there as a result. Hey, I think it was great when people started to regrow endangered plant species on Prince William Sound after the Exxon Valdez wiped out a crapload of coastal vegetation, but if it were up to me I would rather have not had tons of oil spilled onto the beach in the first place. Fukuyama writes:

The United States has played an often decisive role in helping along many recent democratic transitions, including in the Philippines in 1986; South Korea and Taiwan in 1987; Chile in 1988; Poland and Hungary in 1989; Serbia in 2000; Georgia in 2003; and Ukraine in 2004-5. But the overarching lesson that emerges from these cases is that the United States does not get to decide when and where democracy comes about. By definition, outsiders can’t “impose” democracy on a country that doesn’t want it; demand for democracy and reform must be domestic. Democracy promotion is therefore a long-term and opportunistic process that has to await the gradual ripening of political and economic conditions to be effective.

Sometimes, when you yell and scream and get angry for finding a hair in your “disgusting blood shit” dish, you may find yourself pissing off the manager or the waiter, and then having a few more unwanted things put into your dish that unfortunately aren’t as visible as hair. I think the key message here, after watching my dad treat the manager as another human being and not as an embodiment of evil, is that one can rarely get what one 100% wants through chest-puffing and asserting invisible, classist (or racist) rules of demarcation; the resulting backlash and resentment can really fuck you over down the road, whether you’re at a restaurant or invading a country. You can’t really change a people or a culture by being pissed at it and forcing it; you have to let the natural political and societal forces play out its course, as such. And though a few of my friends may disagree and say that here in China, one needs to act decisively to quicken the ripening of such Western values as democracy, etiquette, and decent customer service; I say that I will always try to prioritize nuance and savvy over brute force in the name of some neoconseravtive-like imaginary ideal (see benevolent hegemony). That is, until the next time a cab driver cuts me off on my bike and I am forced kick down his door, fling him from his seat, and then pee on his face as he lies quaking in fear in the shadow of my powerful, American weapon. Hoorah for liberal democracy in a communist world!

Strikethrough

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My good friend Jamie, erstwhile blogger and man about town, often finds the time throughout the course of his busy day to send me links and reports on his pet concerns. Most of them are topics that carry far greater weight than the bullshit scatological meditations that this particular site proffers. However, one weighty subject that has captured my interest (courtesy of Jamie) is the one about the big bad communist government censoring newspapers and big bad multinational Wall-Street darlings kowtowing to them.

There is no need for me to blog in depth about this, since the online clamoring for the destruction of microgoogleyahoosoft is loud and passionate enough. We get it; censorship = bad. There is no better source for discussion and opinion about this than here. And though I hardly believe that I’ll be locked up in some dank Chinese prison for making fun of cab drivers and the phlegm-battered pavement of Shanghai, I’d like to think that I could talk some shit about Uncle Hu and his inevitably fruitless battle with the elements of free speech without worrying about my door getting knocked down by the PLA. Therefore, when commie dinosaurs take a stand on the side of freedom, it makes me quite foolish hopeful in the optimism I have for the one day I’ll be able to pound one out outside the lingerie store at Xiangyang market in the name of free speech.

(And just in case the PLA are indeed outside, Uncle Hu refers not to Hu Jintao, China’s infallible leader, but my 2nd uncle Norman Brownstein Hu, donut-lover emeritus).

I Like Foot Fungus Better

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The weather the past few days has taken a slight turn for the better, and during this part of the year it usually means that the weather gods of Shanghai have removed the “scrotum-sucking cold” finger out of your ass and are about the cram the “rain until your socks are moldy” finger into it. Still, I live for the moment, and I was able to take advantage of the temperature to comfortably ride Julie to and from work without steam from my head fogging up a 10 meter circumference around me.

One key thing that I’ve learned from riding my bike on the streets is that it really isn’t a great way to pick up girls. Women in Shanghai tend to be attracted to men with material offerings of consequence; hence the preoccupation with BMWs and Italian-sounding name brands. The sweaty dude on the bike just doesn’t really cut it. This reality really hit me like a bag of snot when I approached some cuties this evening on my ride home from work, only to have them scream and run away like a castrated pack of coyotes. I realized that, perched on top of Julie, I really was not an impressive sight to behold. Or it could have been that I had forgotten put my penis away wear pants, and I had my Donald Rumsfeld Speedos on. I would have run too, I guess.

Today was Valentine’s Day and you’d be surprised at how equally popular and loathed it is here in China. When I told my coworker Audrey today that some people back in the States believe that the genesis of Valentine’s day was some sort of massive conspiracy between greeting card makers, chocolatiers, and florists, her response was: “So? That’s ingenious.” And cheers to Chinese mercantilism as its best.

What about me, you ask? I’ve always been quite indifferent to Valentine’s day, ever since my tender heart got stomped on by that unequivocal whore after college and I got smacked off the “Romantics” team and onto the dreary world of the “Hater” team. This year, I’m especially disgusted by the Chinese populace lunging full-throttle at this most blatant form of cultural imperialism…and by not getting any love or chocolates in return. Boo to you, St. V, and may that “V” one day stand for something more indicative of the cliched confetti of consumerism that thou hast sprinkled upon this great and ancient people; “venereal,” perhaps?

On This, the Day After

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As I was mentioning to Keith this morning after I got up, I’m at about 90% “ready to dominate the world” stage. I feel fully recovered from the stupid cold that’s been bugging me, my throat feels fine and toke-ready, and I finally shaved. The only thing that’s nagging me is this pain I have in my upper back that the gods of irony must have given me for finally relenting and getting a body massage last week in Beijing. Other than that, the 90% was enough to get me pumped up last night about coming to work, and this morning I woke up before dawn just to make sure that I could ride Julie to the shuttle stop and make it on time without being drenched in another virus-inducing flop-sweat. Instead of calling for a cab, this would allow me to ride to the gym after work and start me on the path of dropping the flab and being the next Chinese pop idol.

Funnily enough, everything went according to plan, and here I am at the office refreshed and ready to be productive…but not actually productive. Well, that’s if you consider reading non work-related drivel to be unproductive. A few things I’ve come across today that are worth a read, on this, the day after the worst Super Bowl I’ve ever watched.

- ESPN’s Sports Guy has a hilarious running-diary of the game. I’m a big fan of the Sports Guy, and this piece has got to be one of the funniest things he has ever written. Example:

9:32 — Tafoya tells us that Randle El warned her this week that the Steelers would try that reverse pass play. That’s right, Michelle Tafoya just became the first woman in the history of mankind to successfully keep a secret. I’m just glad we were here to see it.
Slightly un-PC, not really related to sports in any way…classic Sports Guy stuff, though I’m sure all you true devotees have probably read this already and don’t need me to point the way.
- We drink nothing here in China but bottled water; never really thought about how potentially crappy that was until I came across this piece from Oneworld. Would it be better if everyone in the world just started to drink beer instead?
- Justin Timberlake makes his second appearance on Sushipanda by projecting “doltish asswipe” with this, from his new movie “Alpha Dog,” in which he plays a drug-dealer. I’ve watched the Justin Timberlake episode of “Before They Were Stars” on VH-1 several times, and after seeing little Justin on Star Search in his little white cowboy uni, the only drugs I can imagine him dealing would be of the Flintstone vitamin variety. I guess it’s kinda fitting that he’s so hard-core into ice-skating to have it tattooed onto his arm.

Super Version

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A year ago this day, I was sitting in a recliner in San Francisco, drinking micro-brews, eating Shirley’s cheesy chili, and cramming handfuls of nacho chips down my throat while watching the Super Bowl with all my college buddies.

Right now, I’m bundled up in a huge parka, eating a bowl of ramen, watching the most horrific Chinese broadcast of the Super Bowl by myself in the freezing cold of my house in Shanghai. Oh what a difference a year makes.

I guess if I were to look at the brighter side of things, it has been quite fun listening to the two Chinese announcers, saying things like “It’s not whether the ball crosses the plane or not, but whether the player holding it does that counts,” to screaming “Beautiful ball, beautiful ball, beautiful ball” every time a forward pass goes for more than 6 yards. Apparently, the Super Bowl translates directly to” Super Version.” It’s also funny to hear the Chinese phonetic translations of the players’ names, especially with dudes named “Roethlisberger” and “Hasselbeck.” Then again, imagine me trying to announce some Chinese sporting event.

“Welcome to the 678th Super Version Ping Pong Tournament; let’s get started. There’s a forehand, now a backhand, now a forehand, now a backhand. Now folks, remember that if the ball hits the net, no matter side of it the balls falls, the game is over. Forehand, forehand, backhand…OH WOW, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BALL! Oh wait, it’s not over; forehand, backhand, backhand.”

Guess I should just be thankful that I’m able to watch the game at all, despite the horrible officiating, the wretched Rolling Stones performance, and these Chinese dudes calling the game. At least the ramen tastes good.

The Homies and the Phlegm

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I’ve finally put up pictures from my trip back home for the holidays, though a big chunk of the photos that I wanted to upload are not up there, as technical glitches prevented me from getting them from Harsh. Still, I think it captures some of the happier moments of the trip, especially the New Year’s even party at the San Francisco Federal Reserve building where I realized that, even back in the familiar comforts of the United States, I will always be surrounded by drunk, dancing Asian people.


Me and Beijing Homey, Northern Angel

I also put up pictures of my more recent trip to Beijing for Chinese New Year’s, which is really the last pleasant memory I have, since I have been coughing non-stop with a phlegm-infused bout of…something that makes you cough. Beijing was freezing, and a thermal-less me was a mouthful of complaints that even my Nothern Angel couldn’t quash, but I returned to Shanghai in one fairly healthy piece.

I’m not sure then, when and where in Shanghai I contracted this virus/infection, though a part of me blames the marathon Cash Box session I had last Thursday with co-workers, followed by an excursion into the dredges of local Shanghai nightlife. The story of how I ended up at Armanni, the very very local club loaded with “ducks,” began at Cash Box, where a flamboyant male coworker puffed out his chest to the rest of the female attendees by talking about how much he loved to party. Soon thereafter, he had convinced a small crowd of girls who never party to go out and enjoy a night on the town with him and me. This was prefaced by him doing a super-bizarred Irish Riverdance jig in front of the monitor to show us how he rocks the dance floor. I ended up dragging Chace and Lucy with me to the club, which achieved par for the course with other local clubs by playing annoying house music with the same droning, undanceable beat. After waiting far too long for the pole dancers to not show up, we left and I headed back to Chace’s place for some stinky green, with the requisite beer, chips, and pizza to follow.

Two days later I myself coughing up all different colors of gooey stuff. Thankfully, I have wonderful friends like Chace and Lucy, who last night made a trip out to my house to drop off medicine, and then today brought me a sandwich and some soup, since both my maids are still on vacation. It’s nice having true homies who feel sorry enough to take care of you. I’m honestly touched, even though every time I say this to Lucy, she tells me to shut up. Honestly…thanks guys.

Beijing for Chinese New Year’s (January, 2006)

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Took a few days to visit friends up in Beijing (and to avoid spending Chinese New Year alone in Shanghai). Steve was nice enough to provide accomodations, and we had a great time singing and eating and going to the Temple fair…and eating some more. Beijing rules.

Holiday Back in the States (December, 2005; January, 2006)

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Back home in States for Christmas and New Year’s. Good to be home with family and friends, and it just goes to show you that you can never really leave everything behind

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